i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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