On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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