Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
