I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
