Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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