EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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