Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize