1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
