I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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