I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
