i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
