I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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