i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize