i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
