I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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