I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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