You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
