Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
