We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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