thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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