Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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