I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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