hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize