It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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