I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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