none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
