Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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