you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
