People in love make me want to vomit
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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