then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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