You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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