do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
