While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
