but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
