I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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