i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
