I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
