I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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