And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
So many bounce houses so little time
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
