I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
