It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
