whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
