Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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