She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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