I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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