i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
