She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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