I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
