we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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