so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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