My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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