I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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