He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
