I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
time to smoke my breakfast
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
ttyl tear gas
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
