I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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