I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
