The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
