do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
