woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
